10 Signs You Are A Toxic Dom from DorianTheAlpha's blog

10 Signs You Are A Toxic Dom

by DorianTheAlpha


I just wrote one of these about toxic subs. I often hear from subs that it is a tricky thing to criticize those on the dominant half of this community. All too often, those comments are dismissed or even derided, because they are just "slaves", and should shut their trap. So, to that end, as an olive branch of sorts, I've considered some things I have seen firsthand from the worst among Alphas both here and elsewhere in financial domination and kink. If you are regularly guilty of these, you are a toxic Dom. I have done more than one of these, and more than once. I have certainly had my toxic moments, especially early on while cocky and still learning the ropes. Recognize your faults and your failures, and use this as a guide to not only be better as a Master to your submissives, but as a member of this community.


1. Doxxing & Hostility 

This one is the same; it cuts both ways. No Dominant entrusted with their sub’s information should ever reveal those details, or act negligently with it. True b*******l is a crime (extortion). The idea of ruin/homewrecking fantasies is acceptable when practiced responsibly and consensually, but all too often that kink is done wrong, and puts real lives in harm’s way. If you cannot dominate responsibly and without hostility, then leave. That isn’t power, that’s pathetic. There is no place for that here on this site or anywhere in findom & kink communities.

 

2. Poaching

Don’t poach subs. Just don’t. It is natural for some subs to want a new Master over time, discover a better fit, etc. These are all relationships at the end of the day. The line can sometimes be blurred, I will admit. But poaching is poaching. And you know when you are doing it. I’ll define it here for those still unclear: do not ever attempt to seek tribute, submission, or other such favours from an owned sub (as defined on this site by a lock symbol with a Master’s stable to its name). Always speak with that Master first and get their explicit permission if you sense a supplemental fit with a sub, which happens plenty often. Co-ownerships, loan dynamics, and session play are all healthy parts of an owned sub’s fluid servitude with their Master’s approval. Keywords: with their Master’s approval.


3. Disrespect

I’ve been guilty of this one. We all have tempers. Some more than others. There are those here who despise me (and I can be a bit much at times). Regardless: treat your fellow Alphas with respect. Treat subs, within the framework of kinky banter and bdsm, with basic human decency when it matters. Disrespect sucks the fun out of this community, and at the end of the day that is what this is: a community.


4. lllegality

Again, this cuts both ways as with subs: do not suggest illegal acts or substances with your slaves, ever. Especially do not do so on this website, where MOA works so hard to create a safe playground for our collective deviance. People can lose their jobs, their families, their lives. It sounds extreme, but those who have been around long enough know that sadly it happens to even the most experienced among us when things get out of hand, even for only a moment. That’s all it takes. Keep it legal, at all times.


5. Rejection

Much of domination is tied to one’s ego. Success feeds into it. Tribute and luxury lead to the expectation of a certain lifestyle. The comforts in having servants for your every whim & desire is a treat. However, if/when subs decide to leave: that is normal. Most dynamics do not last forever. Most dynamics are single sessions, or short bouts of servitude. A seldom few last longer, for months or years. Learn to handle rejection. Better yet, embrace it, even if that means accepting you don’t cater to everyone. I am the farthest thing from a skinboss, or a gay sex-driven Alpha. I provide an allure to those who want the Master that I am, and the domination that I offer. Simple: subs can say “no”. Deal with it.


6. Burnout 

This might not fit the strictest definition of toxicity, but exhausted Masters tend to be the most impatient, sloppy with their approach, and quick to frustration with their subs. Know yourself, and know when it’s time to take a step back, to rest up. Everyone has their off days. Avoid burnout. We are at our best with all things in balance.


7. Pandering

This, while rare, is the bane of so many Masters’ existence: do not pander to toxic subs. When you indulge topping from the bottom (see my previous post on toxic subs if unclear here), you exacerbate the issue. Whiny twats ought to be disposed for the whiny twats that they are. Nothing more. Deep pockets cause Alphas to abandon their principles for a quick cash grab. Don’t. This is supposed to be fun, kink-driven power exchange. Some might disagree here; say it’s all about the money, no matter what. I say, “it matters what”. And the money is often what makes this fun, when done right. But lowering yourself to a sub’s every whim is not financial domination, and it is the farthest thing from dominant. If anything, it’s supplicant.


8. Sanctimony

The irony of this point following the last is not lost on me. All the same, don’t be a sanctimonious prick. We all generally agree how power exchange & financial domination happens. Some don’t. Some differ on the little things. Just because you see a dynamic occurring in a way distinct from your view of correct etiquette or approach, does not make you the grand arbiter of kink. And if you still feel compelled to comment, then do so kindly & constructively. No one likes a self-righteous absolutist. The range of perspectives & practices is part of why this place is so great. Let’s keep it that way.


9. Maturity

There is a reason that “ch-ild” is a banned word here. Don’t be one. This builds upon the notion of being able to handle submissive rejection; you will have plenty of conflict and friction in practicing all types of domination. Those who have succeeded here longest & most triumphantly continue to do so because they know who they are, they conduct themselves accordingly, and with utmost maturity. Conversely, the worst subs and least admired Doms often earn that reputation quickly because they stir up trouble and are among the least mature here.


10. Patience

This one is two-fold, and many may not agree with my second point here, but I suppose that is why blog’s are fun. Feel free to comment, especially if you disagree. Patience is key for all Masters, but especially Alphas new to the game. Have patience with your domination. Be patient with finding your tone, your brand, your following. Take it all as it comes, and learn from it. It’s easy to think you know it all on day one, or that you will skyrocket to the top. I’ve covered tips for new Masters in another post. 


That said, there is a patience specific to new subs that matters for this community. Now, it is hard to tell when a sub is genuinely new (and not some relapsing worm). And some Masters still don’t care, which is normal and acceptable. Some Masters do not accept conversation prior to a show of resolve (usually tribute). I’d humbly argue that, to an extent, productive introductory conversation is part of what makes findom thrive at its best. So, if you so choose, have patience as a Dom. More often than not, when you learn to judge sub’s with some intuition, it pays off. Literally.


As always, I hope to see your comments and reactions below. To my dominant readers, stay powerful gents.

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