For all other good bois out there...stepp up, you ll get your own chance! ;D
10 Signs You Are A Toxic Dom
by DorianTheAlpha
I just wrote one of these about toxic subs. I often hear from subs that it is a tricky thing to criticize those on the dominant half of this community. All too often, those comments are dismissed or even derided, because they are just "slaves", and should shut their trap. So, to that end, as an olive branch of sorts, I've considered some things I have seen firsthand from the worst among Alphas both here and elsewhere in financial domination and kink. If you are regularly guilty of these, you are a toxic Dom. I have done more than one of these, and more than once. I have certainly had my toxic moments, especially early on while cocky and still learning the ropes. Recognize your faults and your failures, and use this as a guide to not only be better as a Master to your submissives, but as a member of this community.
1. Doxxing & Hostility
This one is the same; it cuts both ways. No Dominant entrusted with their subās information should ever reveal those details, or act negligently with it. True b*******l is a crime (extortion). The idea of ruin/homewrecking fantasies is acceptable when practiced responsibly and consensually, but all too often that kink is done wrong, and puts real lives in harmās way. If you cannot dominate responsibly and without hostility, then leave. That isnāt power, thatās pathetic. There is no place for that here on this site or anywhere in findom & kink communities.
2. Poaching
Donāt poach subs. Just donāt. It is natural for some subs to want a new Master over time, discover a better fit, etc. These are all relationships at the end of the day. The line can sometimes be blurred, I will admit. But poaching is poaching. And you know when you are doing it. Iāll define it here for those still unclear: do not ever attempt to seek tribute, s********n, or other such favours from an owned sub (as defined on this site by a lock symbol with a Masterās stable to its name). Always speak with that Master first and get their explicit permission if you sense a supplemental fit with a sub, which happens plenty often. Co-ownerships, loan dynamics, and session play are all healthy parts of an owned subās fluid servitude with their Masterās approval. Keywords: with their Masterās approval.
3. Disrespect
Iāve been guilty of this one. We all have tempers. Some more than others. There are those here who despise me (and I can be a bit much at times). Regardless: treat your fellow Alphas with respect. Treat subs, within the framework of kinky banter and bdsm, with basic human decency when it matters. Disrespect sucks the fun out of this community, and at the end of the day that is what this is: a community.
4. lllegality
Again, this cuts both ways as with subs: do not suggest illegal acts or substances with your slaves, ever. Especially do not do so on this website, where MOA works so hard to create a safe playground for our collective deviance. People can lose their jobs, their families, their lives. It sounds extreme, but those who have been around long enough know that sadly it happens to even the most experienced among us when things get out of hand, even for only a moment. Thatās all it takes. Keep it legal, at all times.
5. Rejection
Much of domination is tied to oneās ego. Success feeds into it. Tribute and luxury lead to the expectation of a certain lifestyle. The comforts in having servants for your every whim & desire is a treat. However, if/when subs decide to leave: that is normal. Most dynamics do not last forever. Most dynamics are single sessions, or short bouts of servitude. A seldom few last longer, for months or years. Learn to handle rejection. Better yet, embrace it, even if that means accepting you donāt cater to everyone. I am the farthest thing from a skinboss, or a gay sex-driven Alpha. I provide an allure to those who want the Master that I am, and the domination that I offer. Simple: subs can say ānoā. Deal with it.
6. Burnout
This might not fit the strictest definition of toxicity, but exhausted Masters tend to be the most impatient, sloppy with their approach, and quick to frustration with their subs. Know yourself, and know when itās time to take a step back, to rest up. Everyone has their off days. Avoid burnout. We are at our best with all things in balance.
7. Pandering
This, while rare, is the bane of so many Mastersā existence: do not pander to toxic subs. When you indulge topping from the bottom (see my previous post on toxic subs if unclear here), you exacerbate the issue. Whiny twats ought to be disposed for the whiny twats that they are. Nothing more. Deep pockets cause Alphas to abandon their principles for a quick cash grab. Donāt. This is supposed to be fun, kink-driven power exchange. Some might disagree here; say itās all about the money, no matter what. I say, āit matters whatā. And the money is often what makes this fun, when done right. But lowering yourself to a subās every whim is not financial domination, and it is the farthest thing from dominant. If anything, itās supplicant.
8. Sanctimony
The irony of this point following the last is not lost on me. All the same, donāt be a sanctimonious prick. We all generally agree how power exchange & financial domination happens. Some donāt. Some differ on the little things. Just because you see a dynamic occurring in a way distinct from your view of correct etiquette or approach, does not make you the grand arbiter of kink. And if you still feel compelled to comment, then do so kindly & constructively. No one likes a self-righteous absolutist. The range of perspectives & practices is part of why this place is so great. Letās keep it that way.
9. Maturity
There is a reason that āch-ildā is a banned word here. Donāt be one. This builds upon the notion of being able to handle submissive rejection; you will have plenty of conflict and friction in practicing all types of domination. Those who have succeeded here longest & most triumphantly continue to do so because they know who they are, they conduct themselves accordingly, and with utmost maturity. Conversely, the worst subs and least admired Doms often earn that reputation quickly because they stir up trouble and are among the least mature here.
10. Patience
This one is two-fold, and many may not agree with my second point here, but I suppose that is why blogās are fun. Feel free to comment, especially if you disagree. Patience is key for all Masters, but especially Alphas new to the game. Have patience with your domination. Be patient with finding your tone, your brand, your following. Take it all as it comes, and learn from it. Itās easy to think you know it all on day one, or that you will skyrocket to the top. Iāve covered tips for new Masters in another post.
That said, there is a patience specific to new subs that matters for this community. Now, it is hard to tell when a sub is genuinely new (and not some relapsing worm). And some Masters still donāt care, which is normal and acceptable. Some Masters do not accept conversation prior to a show of resolve (usually tribute). Iād humbly argue that, to an extent, productive introductory conversation is part of what makes findom thrive at its best. So, if you so choose, have patience as a Dom. More often than not, when you learn to judge subās with some intuition, it pays off. Literally.
As always, I hope to see your comments and reactions below. To my dominant readers, stay powerful gents.
One way to think about a findom relationship is like a game of blackjack. Each hit in blackjack deals an extra card and increases the playerās score. Each tribute in findom benefits the Master financially and enhances the power dynamic between both Master and sub. In both cases higher is better, but only up to a point. Subs can ābustā too and one aim is to get as close to ā21ā as possible, without going too far.
Though unlike in blackjack where the target is fixed and obvious, every subās ā21ā is different and dependent on circumstances. If today is payday, then my ā21ā will be higher. If my car exploded yesterday, then it will be a lot lower. If a Master successfully gets into my head, then he can push it higher. Figuring out the right level requires communication, honesty, trust and intuition on both sides.
Getting it wrong can lead to the quitting and relapsing cycle, and this is definitely a problem that Iāve faced a few times in the past before joining this site. Getting caught up in a hot cashdrain and not realising until Iāve sobered up afterwards that Iāve gone too far. It was absolutely my fault, I donāt blame the Masters, but I do think that the best Masters should try to get to know their subās situation as best as they can and try to avoid this.
Boss SimX is absolutely fantastic at figuring out where my ā21ā is, and guiding me to push it higher while not letting me ābustā. I feel completely safe under his control, and he is inspiring me to serve consistently and sustainably and to be a reliable asset for him long-term. Thank you for always having an Ace and Jack in your hand, Boss.
Your mind gets weak, your knees get soft, your hands start shaking, your voice starts trembling.
It's happening again... That familiar feeling, the urges you just can't fight.
You cannot handle the fact that you lose the right of calling yourself a āmanā when being in the presence of cocky, muscular and mean alphas like me.
You are nothing more than a shy little submissive girl, when experiencing my macho presence.
You feel the urge of dropping to your knees and lapping away at my cock, while firmly grabbing my thick, strong hairy legs.
You feel the urge of opening your wallet and getting rid of one Ā£10 note after the other and handing it over to me.
Because you know that I deserve it more...and could take it in any case if I wanted to.
You are nothing against me. I am ridiculously superior to you in any imaginable aspect.
Donāt try to hide or escape. Your pathetic attempt to deny my superiority makes no logical sense. Submit NOW and accept your fate.
You know it is inevitable anyway.
Is there anything like the rush of tributing your Master?
That moment when you give some of the money you have worked hard to earn to a man better than yourself.
That moment when you acknowledge that just by being the man He is, He is more deserving that you are.
This is not a transaction; you are not buying anything; you are merely showing the respect that is due by tipping.
When you tribute your Master, you must do it selflessly, sacrificially, unconditionally.
You are showing your adoration for the Man you place above yourself, not paying for a service.
You have accepted your place as a cash fag and you humbly bestow your money to a man better than you will ever be.
Master deserves your respect, Master deserves your love, Master deserves you putting His needs before your own.
Give up your daily take-away coffee; this money is much better used by Him.
Give up a meal once a week; this money is much better used by Him; spend the time contemplating all that He is.
Give up a night at the cinema or a new pair of jeans; this money is much better used by Him.
You are a fag; you exist to serve real men, you exist to be used, you exist to worship, you exist to tribute.
There is no better feeling than when you know you have made His life better. You can take pride in the fact that your loss was his gain, your pain was His joy.
You were born to serve, you were born to be used, you were born to worship, you were born to tribute.
This is who you are. You are a fag; Masterās cash fag.
Accept it and find deep contentment. Accept it and become at one with who you were always were.
Itās time to tribute, fag.
As the new system gets closer to release I wanted to update you on how this new system will work.
- Doms will still only be able to cash out Tips that they have had for 4 weeks
- The minimum amount of Tips you can withdraw will be lowered to 500 (Ā£50), this is down from 800 (Ā£80)
- When you have completed the withdrawal the payment will be sent instantly, there will no longer be a monthly pay-out date
- Depending on what kind of account you're withdrawing to determines how long the payment may take to reach you:
Revolut account - instant
UK bank account - within 2 hours (usually instant)
An account outside the UK - up to 5 days
Although payments to accounts outside of the UK will take longer than with WISE, I think we can all agree this is still quicker and more convenient than one monthly pay-out.
In addition to the withdraw fee that the site takes, there will also be an additional transfer fee to cover my banking costs, as I get charged per transaction, however these fees are minimal:
Revolut account - no fee
UK bank account - 2 Tips (20p)
An account outside the UK - 30 Tips (Ā£3)
Because of this I recommend that if you're using a UK or International account to build up Tips and put in one pay-out rather than many smaller ones to save on fees.
To help you understand better when your Tips will be available to withdraw and plan when to put in a request a new section will be added showing the dates that Tips will be available to withdraw.
In the coming weeks a select number of users will be asked to participate in testing of the new system, when the testing has completed the new system will be rolled out to all users.
Thank you for your patience.
MoA
(This is a post from my blog at gaybdsmfiction.blog)
A boy contacted me this morning and asked me, "I'm just curious here. What is ethical findom?" The boy has an established presence on Twitter as a cashslave, so he wasn't just wanting information about findom--he already knew what it was. He wanted to know how ethical findom differed from findom as it's commonly practiced on Twitter. And that struck me as a good subject for a blog post.
Findom, for those who aren't familiar with it, is the use of money as a tool for power exchange in an erotic context. A 'cashslave' or 'cashfag' will give money or presents to his 'cashmaster' as a way of expressing his inferiority to his cashmaster. While the practice is ancient--it goes back at least to ancient Greece-- in recent years it's exploded online, and a lot of people who are not particularly kinky have used it as a form of sex work to make money. This has given rise to a wide range of seriously problematic practices, such as findoms pushing their cashslaves to ruin themselves financially, blackmailing their subs into continuing a relationship against the cashslave's consent, encouraging subs to get high so they lose control of their tributing, and intentionally seeking to damage a sub's mental health, for example by making them feel that they're so pathetic that the only way anyone will pay attention to them is if they send money.
As a result, there is a burning need for the establishment of a basic standard of what is and isn't acceptable in findom play, the same way the rest of the kink community has developed standards of play (such as making informed consent the bedrock of kink play). Since I come to findom as a kink, not as a form of sex work (which, to be clear, I am not condemning), it feels absolutely natural to me to approach findom from an ethical perspective, and I'm rather appalled by some of the crap I've seen and heard about in the online findom community.
So what is ethical findom?
Ethical findom is doing findom with ethical standards intended to protect the sub's basic financial well-being and mental health.
It's helpful to look at the basics of ethical kink in general. Take impact play--using crops, canes, floggers, and so on to hurt a boy. The goal of impact play is to create hurt, not harm. I want the boy I'm beating to feel erotic pain, but I don't want to actually injure him. So I only want to beat a boy who consents to be beaten. I only want to hit him in places where it's safe to hit him. I need to provide the boy with safe words or other ways to slow down or stop the play when he feels he needs that. I need to look out for him as I beat him to make sure that I'm not potentially harming him even if he's not telling me to stop (for example, a boy being flogged may go into subspace, a euphoric state where he can no longer feel pain, which means I might be injuring him and he wouldn't use his safe word). When the scene is over, I provide him with aftercare, to help him come back from his submissive headspace (unless he indicates he doesn't want that).
The same basic standards apply to findom play. I only do play with boys who are willing to sent tribute. So things like b*******l are unethical (not to mention highly illegal), unless the boy has requested a b*******l dynamic (consensual b*******l is still legally risky for the dom, but some subs crave it).
I want my cashslave to feel the sexual charge of tributing (that might be humiliation or the thrill of talking to a hot dom or the satisfaction of serving me well), but I don't want him harming himself financially, for example finding himself unable to pay his rent or falling deeply into debt just to tribute. So unless a boy just wants a brief one-off tribute moment, I always discuss the budget he has to work with so I can stop the play when he hits the limits of his budget. If I know that he can only afford to send $100 a month, I'll stretch out the play over the course of the month, maybe only demanding $10-15 at a time. That way he can have the thrill of me pressing him to tribute but knowing he's safe because I won't push him beyond what he can afford. The focus becomes not the amount of money I'm taking but how we get there. Do I seduce it out of him? Do I humiliate and verbally a***e him? Do I use hypnotism so he feels like a literal ATM dispensing money from my "account"?
If my cashslave indicates that he's got an unexpected expense, I adjust my demands instead of trying to f***e him to send what he can't afford. During the Covid lockdown, I reviewed my boys' budgets and adjusted expectations accordingly. And I reassured the ones who had to sharply reduce their tributing that they were still important to me and continued to chat with them without taking tribute, or taking only very nominal tributes. One of my most memorable sessions involved taking half an hour to demand $1; the boy literally got so worked up that he spontaneously orgasmed hands-free when I finally allowed him to send it.
I provide aftercare. Literal aftercare usually involves cuddling and things like that, but obviously that doesn't work very well online. So my version of aftercare is simply talking to the boy after the tribute is over, demonstrating that I care about him as a human being and not simply as a wallet. When my boys are feeling frustrated or scared or angry about something in their lives, I listen to them and offer support and advice. I often ask them about their goals in life and then start pushing them to meet their goals. One of my boys recently expressed interest in setting up his own business--basically taking what he did professionally and doing it more as a freelancer than for a company. So I asked him what the first steps in that process were and then told him that I would be expecting a progress update in a few weeks. I had another boy who wanted to lose weight, so I ordered him to tribute me the cost of the coffee-drinks he said he was consuming too often, helping him reduce his calorie intake. Since subs are generally eager to please their doms, that allows me to help encourage them to achieve their goals.
In other words, I try to build a dynamic that fits my needs and my cashslave's needs and makes him feel valued and cared about. I seek to be more than a financial parasite, helping the boy grow not just as a cashslave but as a human being. Of course, every boy is different in terms of what he wants and, in my opinion, what he needs. One of my boys likes to do 'silent sending', where I don't acknowledge it when he sends money to my account. It makes him feel small and unobtrusive, which feels right for him. But I make sure that every couple weeks I reach out to him and demonstrate that I do see his tribute. When he sends gifts, I always post them on Twitter.
In my mind, ethics are what separates findom for ruthless exploitation of a sub. As a superior man, it's my job to let a sub explore and indulge his desires while protecting them from the more destructive tendencies they can often have. It's common for subs to fantasize about financial ruin, so I'll sometimes incorporate the idea into a scene, boasting about how greedy I am and how badly I'm going to ruin them, but that's the findom equivalent of a sadistic dom boasting about how much pain his masochist is going to be in. I enjoy letting a boy worship my greed, the same way I enjoy letting my cruel urges come out during a humiliation or pain play scene, but as a dom, it's my job to know how to restrain those urges so I don't actually cause harm with them.
I've had a couple of boys who had the resources to tribute very substantially, and we've discussed ways for the sub to sacrifice for me, for example by cooking at home and not going out to an expensive dinner so the boy can send the money he would have spent at the restaurant. But I've always made it clear that there are limits to what I'll allow the boy to send, and when I discuss budgets I always make sure the budget includes money for savings and money to buy friends birthday presents and so on.
Obviously there are ethical grey areas in findom, just as there are in other aspects of the kink scene. Another findom might draw his ethical line a bit more broadly or a bit more tightly than I do. There are ethical questions about the use of intoxicants during play, about things like consensual b*******l, about what sorts of things a cashslave should or shouldn't be willing to sacrifice, about how much he should let his tributing restrict his socializing, and so on. These are issues that each findom has to resolve for himself and on a case-by-case basis with each boy. But I think the broad outlines of ethical findom are fairly easy to discern once the findom starts thinking about them. And I think the parallel with other forms of kink play is extremely important, because it allows us to isolate the ethical issues for consideration.
The discussion about ethical findom is still, I'm afraid, in its early stages. The idea that ethical findom is an actual thing is not as wide-spread as it should be (which is one reason this kink has such a bad reputation among those not in the scene). There isn't a consensus yet among ethical findoms about what the basic standards are, although I know it when I see it. So if you're in this scene, I definitely want to hear from you. Feel free to post in the comments! And look for the #ethicalfindom hashtag on Twitter.
As a sub to men for some 35 years, and a cashfag for 21 years, i felt it may be helpful for some subs here (and Masters) to have my thoughts on what it is to be a 'good sub/slave/fag'. You may disagree with some points, or have other views, but this is simply my own view, which is widely shared across the BDSM community.
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There are some basic elements of what makes a good sub.
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* Subordination (awareness and practice of it)
* Obedience (to the one you trust and serve)
* Respect
* Humility (accepting mistakes and errors, willing to apologise)
* Putting the Alpha's desires first
A fag will often approach an Alpha with a list of expectations and requirements. This is the opposite of what it means to be a good sub. The instinct of a sub is a wish to please and satisfy the needs and desires of the man he is serving, before his own desires.
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Note that I don't mention tributes of money in the list, as this is secondary to the above. In findom, in it's real sense, tributing is a by-product of the above qualities.
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What is Findom, and where does it fit into BDSM?
Findom has many offshoots and vagaries, but this is how I understand the basic principles...
Findom is a curious thing. In the world where it is a sexualised practice, it is the opposite of how it is in the world outside of BDSM.
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'Findom' in the work place is a natural power exchange, where an employee is the financial subordinate of his employer. In the work place you will do as you are told, and do whatever the employer requires, because that is the way you get your wage, and hopefully, if you please him enough, you will receive a bonus. All the power is in the hands of the man who gives you money, and you will put up with all manner of things in order to avoid missing out on it. The more you please and are compliant to your boss, the more likely you are to get a bonus. You are the sub, and the Dom is the one giving you money. It is the manifestation of the saying 'money is power'. Money talks.
This scenario is obviously very familiar to all of us here.
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In the 'findom community', it is the opposite way around. The power play is not expressed by the Boss (Alpha) handing money to the employee (subordinate), but by the sub demonstrating his subordination and often obedience by handing over a tribute to the Alpha.
Be clear that in findom, a tribute is not a payment, but is simply a tribute, which expects nothing in return. If something is expected in return, such as time, cam, pics, vid or whatever else, then it is not a tribute, but a payment in return from what he has bought. In essence, this is not s********n, but a simple transaction. The Alpha may choose to spend time with the sub, do cam, send pics or whatever, in order to encourage the s********n and develop a bond, but that is because he chooses to. It is not part of a 'deal'.
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A tribute is an expression of subordination and worship. A sacrifice made. Nothing more and nothing less.
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On a simple level, a tribute is not pressured or demanded. It is freely offered and given.
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In a more advanced relationship, the power can extend to a deeper control of the sub's finances. FINDOM (financial domination) is just that in these cases, where an Alpha can extend his power to a control of spending in the sub's life, demanding when the sub hands over his money, and demanding when he is not allowed to. It can extend to moulding the sub's way of life by controlling what money is available to the sub. This is where Findom comes into it's own on a very powerful level, based on an enormous amount of trust on both sides.
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What about you?
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ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING for a sub to note is that the amount of tribute offered is of less importance than the level of sacrifice made. Some subs are deflated when they see other subs tributing large amounts to an Alpha. They look at the slave market and feel their efforts are wasted because they don't rank amongst the 'high flyers'. They feel they are 'useless' and bad subs. This couldn't be further from the truth.
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What the slave market doesn't tell you is how much sacrifice is made, how much the subs give up or go without, in order to hand over their tributes. Many of them have a much better income than you. In that regard, if you are making sacrifices in order to tribute, you are as good as those handing out large amounts of money, and you may be a better sub than some of the greater tributers if your sacrifices impact on your life.
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Money vs Sacrifice
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I make this comparison...A tribute of Ā£10 from a poor student or sub with a low paid job who struggles to get by is greater than a Ā£500 tribute from a wealthy sub who wouldn't miss it. Of course, there are many Alphas who prioritise levels of money obtained from subs, which is understandable. However, in the Findom BDSM world, it is not the amount of money, but your level of personal sacrifice that is important to a 'great' Findom Alpha.
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It is worth noting at this point that Findom is not an end in itself, but is a tool for expressing s********n in the BDSM environment.
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A top quality Alpha/Master isn't concerned about the amount of money you can tribute. He is much more concerned about the level of sacrifice you make for him.
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So... my point being, don't concern yourself with what others do.
Focus on what you can do.
Your s********n is between you and the Alpha you tribute.
If you serve with humility, obedience, respect, subordination, making sacrifice, and worship the Alpha by putting his wishes before your own, you are amongst the greatest subs.
Without these qualities, you are are nothing of a sub.
With them, you are amongst the best, no matter how much or little you are able to tribute.
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