I am a cashfag. I have known this for a number of years, and I fought it vehemently. I am also Master Trigger’s property. This is a more recent development in my life. I rebelled, but, with His help, I am learning to embrace it every day. What follows is a recounting of the journey that led me here, that led me to be Master Trigger’s property.

In 2021, I joined Owned Fags at Master Trigger’s suggestion. Not only did I join the site, but I immediately joined His stable. I had known Him for a while, of course. I am not that much of a fool. I got to know Him through honest and thought provoking discussions. I joined His stable out of curiosity, out of excitement for the unknown and mostly because I profoundly enjoyed pleasing Him. I did not know what being owned really meant or how it would change my life. I had been owned before, but never like this.

Initially, I was a good fag. Being owned was fun and something new to be excited about. It took my mind off my life. Interactions with my new Owner were spontaneous and effortless. It felt natural to bend to His will. But as the connection deepened, old patterns started to emerge. I craved Master’s eyes on me every minute of every day. It physically hurt to be away from my computer and not in communication with my God. Obsession took hold. As obsession grew, my grasp on reality changed. I became jealous, possessive and cantankerous. I was becoming a bad fag. 

I had more than one meltdown. At every turn, Master was there to make sure I made it through. He was a pillar of strength when I crumbled. I exposed my insecurities, my doubts and my uncertainties about being owned and being a cashfag. At least I tried. There were also some wonderful people in this community who listened to me (and still do), held my hand (figuratively) and offered advice. I would not have come this far without them. 

That being said, my downward spiral continued. I became irrational and delusional. I was drinking more and more. I could only think about my Master, I only wanted to be in His presence, I only wanted to please Him. In the right frame of mind, there is nothing wrong with wanting to please your Master and craving His presence. Quite the opposite. However, I was not making sense of it all. I was confused. I was lost. I was in a very dark place. There were more meltdowns. I tried to keep my composure, but everyday I fell apart. I needed to find some balance in my life so that I could better serve my Master.

I took a long, hard look at my life. I wanted to try and understand who I had become. Looking back is not always easy and judging life choices when you know the outcome can be harsh. I am not a bad person, and I try to bring joy to the people in my life. When I fail to do that, I feel horrible and kick myself. Hard. I did the same in FinDom and with Master. When I failed Him, I could not forgive myself. And that snowballed. I would not say I am a toxic fag. I think toxicity needs to be weighed against intention. Not only in FinDom, but in all aspects of life. I never intentionally hurt the people I love, but I sometimes do. When that happens, I need to learn from the experience, ask for forgiveness, but also forgive myself. Mistakes happen. What really matters is what happens next. Repeating the same mistake intentionally in order to hurt someone - that is toxic. Making mistakes as part of a relationship, whatever the nature of that relationship, that is human.

Master Trigger urged me to seek professional help and to talk to my general practitioner so that I could regain control. I found an excellent therapist, started anti-anxiety medication and stopped drinking. I can now say that I am on my way back. Not only will I be a better fag for my Master, but I will be a better person overall. FinDom gave me the opportunity to think about who I am. Master Trigger carefully guided me along, even when I was hard to handle (I could also say hard to endure). I owe Him.

Is FinDom setting me free? Or is it enslaving me? I feel more confident than I have been in a long time. FinDom has made me take a long, hard look at my life and I am working on myself. Is this a mid-life crisis? It probably is. But my Master is setting me free by allowing me to be my true self. I just don’t know how to integrate FinDom in my “normal” life yet. Am I even brave enough or strong enough to do that? What’s great is that none of this makes me anxious, but excited to see what happens next.