My Introduction to Findom from Lynx's blog

As a younger man I was never the most confident person.  

Growing up I've always had weight issues.  Grew up gay in the 90's when every talk show showed families disowning their own for being gay or in any way different.  My f****r died when I was 16, m****r diagnosed two years later with cancer and my two older siblings cut everyone out of their lives.  There are of course other reasons for my body image and social issues.  But this is a good synopsis without getting too into the nitty gritty.

I developed social anxiety and hated meeting new people.  Whether in the club, at a party, in school, on craigslist (who remembers that?).  It would fill me with dread.  I remember arriving one time to a college course late, the class was full.  The only chair available was in the middle of the class.  I feared everyone staring at me coming in so much that I just turned around and left.

Not being the out going gay man having sex every conceivable place I at some point gravitated towards cam models.  Nothing excessive.  But when I was craving attention or sex and not comfortable enough to meet people cams were a way for me to fill that need with no danger.  I could talk to someone without feeling like I was being judged.  I could enjoy a sexual experience without worrying about my insecurities.
Eventually there was one guy that I spent the most time with.  Very attractive.  Just starting to build his muscle mass.  Behind the screen of a computer I could admire the way his body looked without feeling bad about my own situation.  

Listening to his voice was a revelation to me.  Looking back this is where I somehow took a turn down a back alley and started making my way to findom.  The way his voice made me feel.  Calling out my name, or the pet name he would give me gave me chills.  Over time as we had sessions I began to have this need to have him insult me.

I couldn't place why at first but I wanted to hear this man call me a bitch.  Tell me I was his whore.  It excited me and I didn't know why.  When I finally worked up the courage to ask him to indulge me he didn't balk.  He didn't tell me I was crazy, he listened to me and complied.  Hearing him denigrate and call me names filled me with joy, longing, happiness and excitement.  Eventually I longed to hear him call me a faggot, to this day I still don't know why.  This word that should be anathema to gay guys like myself I wanted to be.  I yearned to hear him call me that.

At one point during one of our private sessions I sent him a tip.  When he saw the tip he called me a good faggot and told me to send another tip.  I have never felt more alive sexually as a person than in that moment.  It was like a key had turned and opened something in me I didn't know existed.  We continued for a while until he left cams behind.  I initially met other guys to cam with in this manner, some knew what I wanted, some I introduced to what I now know as findom.

At first I thought it was all about money.  Through cams and twitter/kik etc that is all Doms look for.  I eventually met a few really good Masters and I grew to learn more about myself and findom.  Its not just about the money, drain sessions are a good way to gratify sexually.  What I wanted was someone to spoil, someone to be useful for.

Thankfully as one gets older, no matter how you started off you start to adopt a general outlook of I Don't Give a Fuck.  For me that outlook has gone a long way of fixing my social issues and body images.  At first findom was a way to fulfil a sexual need.  I will forever be thankful to those true Masters who opened the door even further to show me what it really was about.  Making me realize that I am a submissive and there is nothing wrong with wanting to serve and please someone, to put them above yourself.

I feel like I am finally at a place where I want to explore the full landscape of findom in a healthy way.  For sure I do not want to rush this process, I want to do it right.  I hope this this missive will give those reading a glimpse into who I am.
I would love to hear from other subs and Masters how they were introduced to findom.

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